i got a taste of the life of popular people. not because i’ve become popular for a moment myself… but because i’ve watched up close. who knew a simple science lab group made up of beautiful and hot people trying to dissect a disgusting smelly earthworm would become such a majestic 30 minute paradise for me? and yet, at the same time, this same lab made me feel so… worthless. what have i done to myself? of course popular people at my school just can’t be stereotypical boring old beautiful with nothing inside kinds of people, they’re beautiful and good at making jokes and good at making people feel comfortable and good at talking and good at rebuttals and good at making smiles happen. and they’re not dumb, it’s just that boring studying for hours seriously isn’t their focus and just totally doesn’t match up with their personalities. its like they have a special popularity adhd.

and then there are those even better people that exist at my school. those who aren’t only beautifully popular, but also masterfully intelligent, taking  6 ap courses and having 600 extracurricular activities like it’s nothing. in comparison with myself… why can’t the world have balanced it out? i’m plain, i can’t talk, i’m dumb…

and when i think about what i do have, i can only think of the million other people that exist in this world that either also have the trait or have it even better than me.

what is my role in life? just to be an employee at some place and have a family and just disappear, being known by only a couple few as a mother and nothing else? i’m not going to become a next einstein or shakespeare or anything? did i not dream big enough? i’m only 14, and already thinking it’s too late to change myself for the better. i want to go to stanford someday? yeah, nope.


turtle shell

feeling: reflective

day: windy, hot, dry

it feels as if my thoughts have been tucked into a turtle shell and refused to come back out into the outside world. whatever i say is bland; i’m too afraid to express myself….. and too afraid to hurt others’ feelings with my words.

i dont understand why there are bad words, and why they’re used so often if they’re so bad. people use them to be funny, to be angry, to be depressed… they’ve become sounds to express extreme feeling and a special sense of humor. i wonder how bad words were made up, and how they became bad. why are bad words censored when everyone knows anyway? the damage is done; no amount of symbols, mouth-covering, or beeping will cover the meaning behind the words.

what do you do when you have a secret that you shouldn’t have kept between two people? what do you do when you accidentally let out that certain secret and have probably ruined a long friendship, and what do you do when you’re completely at fault for it? letting out a secret is like letting out a bad word; why did i say it? did i even mean to say it?

school. today was the test to get into honors pre-calculus. my friend had no idea she had to take that test, and now that it’s too late, she’s sobbing and thinking that she ‘ruined’ her college life by potentially being unable to take honors pre-calc next year. such drama, what’s the matter with having to take an honors class and having a successful college life? it’s just one class right… i wonder how much pressure she has on her educational life. i also wonder what she wants to do in the future. she does speech and debate… she’d make a great lawyer… lawyers don’t need to be in honors pre-calc to be good at law. nobody needs to be in honors pre-calc to be good at life.

or so i thought. it’s only because i’m in a safer zone, that i don’t feel so bad. and we’re only in high school. what kind of pressure is in growing up? i don’t want to become an adult. the wrinkles adults develop, the innocence that disappears, the new fears that develop as you learn… i don’t want any of it. and the current pressure to just get into a good college… we’re only freshmen, and it’s already getting to us. i could only vaguely imagine what kind of pressure is in the minds of the upperclassmen. i wonder if the pressure disappears once you’re in college. i wonder if i’ll ever be happy with what i have in life. there’s always something i need to do better…

sigh. like my issues with homework and procrastination. i don’t need sleep… ugh, okay, fine, time to crack open my textbooks.